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131 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time
A one-liner, also known as a punchline in some cases, is a truly remarkable form of a joke. First of all, it is so short that by telling it, you’ll never miss the ‘magical moment’ and will always leave your audience amused (that is if you’ve calculated your timing perfectly). Hence, if you are looking for a comedic shure-shot, we’ve just the thing for you — a thorough list of the best one-liners on the Internet!
Another thing with these one line jokes is that they work amazingly well for, say, movie characters like James Bond. He always has a hilarious and laconic quip after disposing of his enemies and is well remembered for it! In fact, probably no other jokes, but funny one liners are forever at the top of the popularity Everest by being so accessible, understandable, and ultimately funny.
Thus, we are thrilled to have the opportunity to present you with our choices of the best jokes that fall under this category; our hopes are pretty high to entertain you with this one! So now, it is precisely time that you scroll down below to check out the best one liners that we found! From punny ones to straight-up corny and from cute to sarcastic one liners, there’s a joke for absolutely anyone here.
And after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! But, if such a sad instance occurs and you can’t find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section.
And if you enjoy quick wit, you'll also appreciate our selection of Little Johnny jokes filled with clever humor.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
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#2
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
#3
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
What are one-liner jokes?
Simply put, a one-liner is a very short joke that delivers its punchline in just one sentence. A good one-liner should always be concise and meaningful or, if you want a fancy word for it — pithy. Although these one line jokes are most often used as a part of a bigger performance, it doesn’t mean they don’t work as standalone quips. In fact, one might even argue that the shorter the joke — the more powerful the reaction!
Funny one line jokes can also be used as a punchline of a real or fictional character, just the same as a catchphrase would. Basically, due to being so short, these jokes are very universal and can be used in a variety of circumstances (appropriate ones, of course) and ways.
#4
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.
#5
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
#6
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.
What is the best one-liner?
Now, this is where it gets a bit biased! Each and every one of us have slightly different sense of humor and taste for our jokes, so nominating just one one-liner as the best is a tough job to say the least. However, since you, our dear readers always have an excellent taste for jokes, this one here seems to have reached number one position on our list:
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
So, can we agree that we found the funniest one-liner ever? Well, at least one of the best jokes, for sure!
#7
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
#8
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
#9
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
Marcellus II 4 years ago
You want to know the difference between a sadist and a masochist? I could tell you, but you'll have to beat the answer out of me.
How To Write One-Liners?
If you want to try your hand at writing one-liners, kudos to you! Homebred jokes are always the funniest and the most relevant. That said, writing one-liners comes with its own set of rules, albeit a short one:
- Set your joke up for success by making it super short;
- Start with a setup that seems like it’s going to one direction only;
- Give it a plot twist right at the end!
By following these simple one-liner writing rules, you'll be bound for success; we’re pretty certain of it. However, if you need a bit more inspiration and a little more examples of the best one-liners, keep reading our list!
#10
I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
#11
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
#12
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
#14
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… But the kids still get in.
Eagle Girl 4 years ago
Leave a trail of candy to the nice old lady with the house in the woods
#15
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
#16
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
#17
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
#18
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
#19
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
#20
Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?
#21
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
#23
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
#24
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
#27
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
#28
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
#30
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
#31
"You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace."
#32
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
#33
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Jo Johannsen 4 years ago
I was going to procrastinate yesterday, but decided to do it tomorrow.
#34
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
#35
I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
#36
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
#37
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
#38
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
#39
A perfectionist walked into a bar... Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
#40
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
#42
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
#43
R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.
#44
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
#48
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
#49
What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
#50
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
#51
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
#52
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
#53
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago. I now live in constant fear.
Thomas Sweda 4 years ago
Don’t worry. Since the Earth is flat, it will eventually just sail off the edge.
#54
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu — you get what you deserve.
#56
Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
#57
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
#58
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
#59
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
#60
Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent 4 years ago
I feel like this is one of the basic school playground jokes that 6 year old kids are really proud of. Definitely about the extent of my level of joke telling!
#62
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
#63
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Kipindichapili 4 years ago (edited)
I’m telling this the next time I go golfing and hit a birdie
#64
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
#65
I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
#66
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
#68
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
#70
Our child has a great deal of willpower — and even more won’t power.
#73
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
Mobey Drunk 4 years ago (edited)
Actually, being a pessimist is the best way to live your life. Either you're right, or pleasantly surprised.
#75
If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
#77
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
#79
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
#80
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
#83
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
#84
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
#85
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.
DragonsCrushesCatsMe 4 years ago
did you hear about the missing hares? the police went combing the land to find them.
#86
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
DragonsCrushesCatsMe 4 years ago
in an arthur episode, where arthur was telling secrets to buster, one of them was that dw had a brain transplant. the other secret was that arthur was born in transylvannia
#87
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
#90
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
#91
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
#94
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
#95
I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
#97
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
#98
Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.
#99
"Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is 'Good for you!'”
#101
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
#102
What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
Kipindichapili 4 years ago
Im gonna buy a farm, make a pasture, build a barn, make a milking area, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of cattle just to name a cow this
#103
At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.
#104
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
#106
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
#108
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
#110
What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.
#113
Did Noah include termites on the ark?
Kipindichapili 4 years ago
Omg I’ve never thought about that. I’m gonna ask my church pastor now.
#114
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
#116
"I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos."
#117
"Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside."
#119
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
#120
What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
#122
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent 4 years ago
Wait.... because American plug sockets look like a pig's snout? Is that really it?! Ok that'd be why it didn't make any sense to me!! UK plugs are a triangle of three holes which are all rectangle shaped. Sorry peeps x
#123
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.
#124
What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
#126
I used to believe that all things must pass — until I got stuck behind a school bus.
#129
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
#130
"Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best."
#131
"Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people."
What do you think ?
David Martin 4 years ago
The Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round were invented in the same time period, but the inventors never met, because they traveled in different circles
Dagnirath 4 years ago
I saw a man with one arm at a secondhand store. I went up to him and said "I don't think you'll find it here."
phil blanque 4 years ago
"My dog has no nose". "Oh no...how does he smell?" "Terrible." (Monty Python)
David Martin 4 years ago
The Ferris wheel and the merry-go-round were invented in the same time period, but the inventors never met, because they traveled in different circles
Dagnirath 4 years ago
I saw a man with one arm at a secondhand store. I went up to him and said "I don't think you'll find it here."
phil blanque 4 years ago
"My dog has no nose". "Oh no...how does he smell?" "Terrible." (Monty Python)
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